


Made to love you

by Bdonna



Series: Simply a four letter word? [2]
Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Angst, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-01
Updated: 2012-04-01
Packaged: 2017-11-02 21:06:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/373343
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bdonna/pseuds/Bdonna
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Is it truly me whom he loves? Does he love me at all? Buffybot POV</p>
            </blockquote>





	Made to love you

**Author's Note:**

> This story changes between in storytelling between the story and the thoughts of a person, the change in font marks this change. Written when I hadn' seen much of season 5 at all. Inspiration is the quote at the beginning of the story and it was taken from the episode ‘The mathematics of tears’ from the show Andromeda, but I don’t know whether it was told that way in the original episode – I translated it from the way it was aired over here in Germany.

** Made to love you **

** by Belladonna **

 

“ _Do artificial intelligences also have a soul?”_

_-“I believe that all which loves does have a soul.”_

 

 

Inside the crypt it was dark, but that wasn’t something unnatural because night had long fallen down over the town and the full moon had risen high above Sunnydale like a huge jewel in front of the nightly skies. One lonely person stood in the doorframe of the crypt and gazed up towards the sky. She loved it to just simply stand outside and to look up to this said gem in heavens, into this never-ending blackness and to loose herself inside it.

 

Her long blond hair fell loosely over her shoulders and her clothing was light, colourful in front of the deep black night; but the glance of her eyes, still directed towards the moon and the stars, seemed to be sad. Actually she had nothing to be sad about, for she had everything any other girl would wish for, a nice life and especially a wonderful boyfriend whom she loved more than everything else and who loved her equally strong with his heart. Still her eyes were clouded with sadness.

 

She stepped back into the crypt, into the almost dark room and looked around her. Her glance remained then on the sleeping man who lay in the bed on the other side of the room; the crypt that was his home as well as it was hers. His bleached blond hair was wild in his sleep and a small smile danced around his lips as if he was dreaming of something wonderful. Maybe he was dreaming of _her_ but she didn’t know exactly. She would never know, truly know that and deep inside her she probably didn’t want to.

 

She sat down on the bed next to him, her gaze still resting on him and she gently brushed a strand of his tousled hair from his forehead. He seemed to feel her closeness and snuggled into her embrace, still asleep. She simply sat there, her arms around him, holding him in his sleep and continued silently watching him while she absently stroked his hair, feeling its soft texture underneath her fingertips.

 

It seemed all so peaceful, so extremely beautiful to watch for an outsider; so perfect. Two lovers, whose hearts and souls were one, but then the latter was something neither one of them possessed. And the sad look of her eyes told a completely different story.

 

~/~

 

_I watch him like he’s lying there; it is so peaceful and lovely and he does look so happy how he is sleeping here in my arms. I do watch him often when he is sleeping; watch out for him day and night so that no harm will come to him. I would die if I would loose him and for that only a few rays of the sun would be enough. So beautiful but equally deadly it is for him. Even though I could go outside once it is high above the sky of the day, I do not do it. I do live without feeling its warm rays on my body and I do all that for him; I even could go away but where should I go, I cannot leave him. I could not stand it being apart from him._

 

_I see the smile on his lips, can see the warmth in his eyes every time he looks at me even now as they are closed in his sleep and my heart begins to beat faster. It makes me happy to see him happy and he is it every time he can be with me; I’d do everything to make sure that this remains until eternity. Actually I do not have a single reason to be unhappy, for the sadness I feel now because I own everything a normal, real girl would wish for._

 

_He is such a wonderful man once you have looked behind the mask he is showing and wearing for the world outside. He is compassionate, sensitive and gentle and he has a bigger heart than he would admit for himself but then what is it that keeps me sad, that causes my sadness?_

_I love this smile, this tiny smile that dances around the corners of his mouth and makes these little lines just like now as he is sleeping. It truly must be a beautiful dream he is dreaming but I wouldn’t know; I would never know just like I will never truly know what it is about or rather whom._

 

_I do not know; but then do I really want to? Even to this simple question I cannot give an answer. All I know that there is one thing I will always know and that will be made painfully aware to me every time I am looking into a mirror._

 

_Is it truly me whom he loves? Does he love me at all? Will he ever be able to love me, truly me like I do love him or will he ever be able to love me at all?_

 

_I am not sure whether I do want to hear the answers to this one even though I know them, always have known them. But as much as I want to shut them out, to simply ignore them, I cannot and they keep looking at me from the mirror, almost cruelly and mockingly like the face that is every time looking at me out of the mirror._

 

_It is not mine; it will never be mine at all for it belongs to her._

 

_Deep within me I do feel that it is her he is dreaming about; it is her who he truly does want to hold when I am lying in his arms and it is her he thinks about and who his feelings are meant for when it is our lips that met when we kiss. It hurts to know that it will never be me his heart will belong to and I feel that pain even though I shouldn’t feel at all. In fact I do not even know whether I am able to really feel anything that truly belongs to me, that comes from me and that was not decided by others for me to feel that way. I can see how his eyes are shining, so full of warmth and love for her every time he is close to her but she obviously cannot recognize that; can not see how deep his love for her truly is where I can see it, someone who wasn’t meant to see, shouldn’t be able to because it would be over the things she should. Oh, but I do see that very well, for I am not that blind. Not anymore._

 

_It shouldn’t bother me, shouldn’t bother me at all and I shouldn’t even be able to see it in the first place but I do and I feel the disappointment deep within me, the pain._

 

_Emotion, feel; what does that mean, what does it mean for me; for somebody who isn’t even real and will never be or can._

 

_He stirs in my arms, moves slightly to nestle closer and I see the relaxed smile on his lips, that tiny smile I do so love that much. My fingertips brush tenderly over his cheeks and I kiss him gently; his skin a bit cool underneath my hands and lips but he doesn’t wake._

 

_I shouldn’t feel anything at all besides what was meant to. I shouldn’t feel, because I myself am not able to but what does that mean; said and believed by those who can. They do know nothing, nothing at all. How could they ever understand someone like me?_

 

_I shouldn’t feel anything, they haven’t meant me to but still I do. I can feel the tears rolling down my cheeks, but they are nothing more than plain water that had been brought to the surface by tiny pumps within my eyes; simply water that keeps rolling down over the synthetic skin that covers my face, my whole body. Just as unreal as I am._

 

_I was created to love you; programmed to live up to your expectations, wishes and dreams but it is not me that you truly love. I was created in her picture; I am wearing her face, speak with her voice but it is not her heart that is beating for you within my chest because mine is just a machine like I am. And it is only a programmed soul I possess, programmed emotions; programmed love._

 

_I will never be like she is, be as real as she is but even though I do know all that I couldn’t leave you even if I wanted to because it would break my mechanic heart. It still does knowing all that but without you it would do the same. I love you too much to do that even if I know the truth deep within me; a truth I would rather not know or see, one I shouldn’t see at all because I wasn’t programmed to see. Still I do. I love you but that also is a love that I don’t really know whether it is as unreal and artificial as I am._

 

_I will never be truly sure and maybe I don’t want to. All I want is to stay with you because I do feel love for you, programmed or not. But still I know the truth; I will always know it, eternally._

 

_I will never be more for you than just a replacement; a substitute for her and this knowledge does hurt me despite all programs. I will never be her, always remain what I am even if I want to. I will always remain myself; something you let somebody else create and that was made to love you in her place._

 

 

_~fin~_


End file.
